Loneliness – can you relate?
Sarah wearing a dress made with FS BLEACHED Signature Finish Linen
First off, can I give you a hug? I’ll make us a pot of your favorite tea, switch on the floor lamp, and we can talk while the cicadas chorus their summer song in the cool evening air breezing through the open windows. I want to sit and listen to what is heavy on your heart. Listen to your hurts and loneliness. Loneliness is hard to talk about, isn’t it?
What is loneliness? Besides the dull, painful ache that looms large in your chest, loneliness is the perception of lack of emotional intimacy in relationships. In simpler terms, you feel like your soul isn’t being fed enough. You are emotionally starving.
No wonder it hurts.
The very act of talking about loneliness requires vulnerability, which is one of the things you don’t want to be when you are lonely – that’s why we need that pot of tea and an extra hug. You can picture being vulnerable as an ancient warrior letting his shield down, taking off his breastplate of armor, laying down his sword, setting his helmet on the ground, untying his shoes, and slipping his bare feet into the soil. Being vulnerable is inherently dangerous. You are exposed to attack with little defense against it. But true connection and emotional intimacy only come when you are willing to be vulnerable. It’s difficult for people to connect their emotions to yours in meaningful ways through your armor, and difficult for your emotions to connect to theirs.
Sarah wearing a dress made with FS BLEACHED Signature Finish Linen
When you feel hurt and at risk of rejection, when you feel the most need to protect yourself when you feel like you can’t afford to take the risk of being attacked, then you are the least likely to connect with others in vulnerable ways. This doesn’t mean you should go out and be vulnerable with a load of people. No. Being vulnerable is dangerous, remember? You could be wounded more than the wounds of being lonely.
The key intermittent step to being vulnerable in healthy ways is to grow in confidence. As your confidence grows and as you learn to truly accept yourself, your willingness to be vulnerable increases, and your susceptibility to being hurt by rejection decreases. In my life, I’ve noticed a trend. There seems to be an oscillation from high levels of self-confidence to low levels. Some unfortunate events in which I make a fool of myself usually sets off the downward descent into the depths, and then it’s a journey to build the levels of confidence back up. While you’re in the depths, that is where you are most likely to be withdrawn, least likely to be vulnerable, most likely to become lonely. So if you are feeling a little extra lonely these days, as many of us are, try to remember to focus on growing in self-acceptance to increase in confidence. This may take some time.
Sarah wearing a dress made with FS BLEACHED Signature Finish Linen
And then when it feels right, grab your phone and call a trusted friend and have an honest, real conversation about some things you are going through. Maybe they will follow your lead and share some hard things in their life with you, too. It’s not only about you feeling less lonely, it is also a way to serve them because they are probably longing for more emotional connection, too. If you don’t know who to call, you may be surprised that your online sewing friends could know more about your life and what you are passionate about than your real-life friends. Pick out one or two of your closest online sewing friends and ask to FaceTime with them or go on a road trip and meet up with them for a day.
Right now, if you are wading through the heavy waves of loneliness, I just want to say I’m sorry you are going through this. It probably feels like emptiness as thick as molasses is pressing in all around you. Loneliness hurts, and it’s nice to acknowledge that. But you don’t have to stay stuck there. You can create meaningful interactions that satisfy the hunger of your soul.
If you don’t have anyone to talk to, come sit on my couch while I make your tea.
When you have gone through periods of loneliness before, what are the things that pulled you through?
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19 Comments
Vickie Welch
Thank you so much for this! Wow, I am so amazed by the goodness of God when an article or something else pops up, seemingly from nowhere, that is relative to my current situation. My husband was recently diagnosed with metastatic stage 4 cancer and I have been overwhelmed by the thought of losing him. We have been married for 45 years and he is the love of my life. When I am feeling the loneliness the most, what carries me through is my faith, family, and friends. No matter the outcome of his disease, I know that God is in control and His will be done. Thanks again.
Sarah Kirsten
Hello Vickie,
Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. What a trial to go through. I am at the stage of life where I dare to find the love of life — it must be so hard to have found it and then to have the possibility of it being taken away. Thank you for sharing. On a side note — my dad almost died of stage 4 cancer when I was in college, but he healed. I’m so thankful that he is healthy now, but it was a difficult time to go through. I’m sorry you are going through it now.
Cheryl Jaglowski-Ho
Thank you for the timely and eloquently written post. I am sure it is an inspiration to many of us. I suspect that creative souls feel this more strongly. Thank you again for reminding us that all emotions are valid and each one passes, in time. They are mostly not permanent
Sarah Kirsten
Hi Cheryl, thank you for sharing this. It is easy to get stuck thinking that the emotions you are in are going to stick around for a long time. But after awhile you look back and see, oh, I have come such a long way from then. Just have to take each wave as it comes, and to get through it, right?
Margie Cook
thank you for your post! i am in a loney stage of my life, but i know it will not last forever( even though it feels like it.) what gets me through is my faith and my family. my creativity is a great big help. i try to exercise , eat right( not just chocolate and coffee.) and try a new to me sewing project. one that is challenging and fun. that gets my mind off the sorry for myselfs and woe is mes. my sewing project must be for someone else or i may not finish it. doing for someone else takes the focus off me and onto that person. hope this make sense. wish i could have a cup of tea with you. thanks for the invite.
Sarah Kirsten
Hello Margie, what a beautiful way to switch focus by making a project for someone else. I love that idea! Thank you for sharing this. Would love to have a cup of tea with you, too
Trish Seifert
This is such a lonely time for so many, thank you for voicing what so many of us are feeling. You’re so right. We need to take a chance and reach out to our like minded friends. Thank you for the encouragement. ? I would love to have a pot of tea and a chat with you.?
Sarah Kirsten
Hello Trish, thanks for this lovely comment. I’ve been surprised when connecting with some online sewing friends that they are so close emotionally — the things weighing on my heart are the same things weighing on theirs. It’s been like drinking a glass of cool water on a hot day talking with some of them. I hope you find the same refreshment and encouragement with your sewing friends
If you are ever in Eastern Iowa, come over for some tea!
Michelle Thane
Sarah-beautifully expressed. I find that i am so hard on myself as an artist, trying to create fabric art out of my scraps of eco-dyed linen. Feeling lonely and inadequate because what i attempt to create lacks vision and clarity. But wait a minute! I dyed that fabric with plants! I need to remember that i created something beautiful to start with and let the fabric guide me.
Sarah Kirsten
Michelle, I love this comment! It resonates with my struggles as an artist. Allow me to just encourage you that the whole point in being an artist is you are creating the uncreated, exploring new frontiers. There is no clear path because you are creating the path. Sometimes ideas strike and you get a picture of the whole thing in your head. And other times, you have to chop your way through the jungle to get to the mountain top. Both are valuable paths and worth pursuing. I’m cheering for you! Keep clearing the path.
Karen Mahoney
I am actually feeling very lonely right now and frustrated with my life. Struggling with feeling like an unlovable loser. Thank you for your post.
Marion Hamill
I hear that and I’m sorry it’s what you’re experiencing. I’m sure you’re not unlovable, but I fall into that dark place often myself. The times don’t make it any easier. I don’t have one bit of advice but I wanted you to know I think you’re awesome for reaching out.
Sarah Kirsten
Karen, thank you for sharing this struggle. I’m really sorry you are going through this. You are so loved. Nothing you have to work for, it’s already attained. I’m praying you will be surrounded with the knowledge of the love for you today.
Cindy Hansen
Very sweet and timely. Thank you.
Sarah Kirsten
Thank you Cindy!
Sashanna Hart
Sarah, these are words that resonate deeply with me. I remember after my first husband unexpectedly walked out after 8 years of marriage wondering how working back into vulnerability would be. In some ways I never unlearned trust because it is built into me so deeply. In other ways I had been unknowingly holding my true feelings in for years, unconsciously aware that they wouldn’t be accepted by my husband. It has taken me years to unlearn that habit. In some ways I still am. Thank you for these words, in such a time of isolation. They are beautiful, as are your photos and your dress. It’s your Chamomile pattern, is it not?
Sarah Kirsten
Hello Sashanna, thank you for sharing this. It sounds like an almost unbearable thing to go through. I admire your resilience to keep learning things, unlearning other things, to keep moving forward. You have much you could teach us all.
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, it is indeed the Chamomile!
Deborah Pepe
Timely article. Lovely pictures.
Sarah Kirsten
Hi Deborah, thanks for the kind words.